Moth Journals

Alice in Wonderland Days

2007-08-13T19:24:00.001+08:00

I've been very happy of late. I love love love Miel. Such a perfect kid. I love my job, my bosses, and my officemates. I love gym and my trainer M. I love my books and my dvd marathons. And though there are some things unresolved in my life, I don't mind. Oprah said you can have everything, just not at the same time. And i respect that. I believe it.

Plus I've been a good girl. I am proud of myself for not indiscriminately getting into relationships. My rationale is that if I stay good long enough, then the cosmos will reward me with good karma in the form of a good guy. Or as near as one can get anyway. Way too many jerks in the world.

Hence it catches me off balance to be where I am now.

I am Alice in Wonderland falling through the rabbit hole...

Oh help...

I'm falling...

And I can't stop grinning...

He isn't Dead. But he will do for the meantime.

Again, I wonder what this all means...

My Voice

2007-06-17T21:42:00.000+08:00

I was smoking all by my lonesome this evening at the corner store. Listening to Nana's Glorious Days on my mp3 over and over. I was depressed and thinking I wish I could teach underprivileged kids on my day off or something. And now, while I am writing for my second job, I realize that THIS is my voice. My articles are read by children across the country. And my Teacher's Guides are a whisper to the ear of all the teachers subscribed to our magazines. Funny. I've been writing since 1999 and I really haven't thought of it this way. They were just potboilers to me.

I may not join Al Gore or be an eco-warrior but I can tell kids and teachers across the country to start acting now! Recently I've told em to write letters to their congressmen and their mayor to do something about the Renewable Energy Bill. I've also told them about the benefits of wind farms and Green Buildings.

I may not be Mother Theresa healing the sick but I am able to preach about harmony, love, and caring thru my little snippets.

I realize that I can transmit my values and my conscience through this avenue.

Why worry about such things? Because this life has to mean something. It has to. Otherwise, life would be senseless and mediocre.

What Your Name Means

2007-06-17T21:35:00.001+08:00

Hokay... This comes out of checking out Dan's blog. It's been on my mind for a while now and finally got around to it. It's freaking creepy to me. Don't know about you. Try it out too!

You entered: XXXX XXXX

There are 12 letters in your name.
Those 12 letters total to 61
There are 7 vowels and 5 consonants in your name.

Your number is: 7

The characteristics of #7 are: Analysis, understanding, knowledge, awareness, studious, meditating.

The expression or destiny for #7:
Thought, analysis, introspection, and seclusiveness are all characteristics of the expression number 7. The hallmark of the number 7 is a good mind, and especially good at searching out and finding the truth. You are so very capable of analyzing, judging and discriminating, that very little ever escapes your observation and deep understanding. You are the type of person that can really get involved in a search for wisdom or hidden truths, often becoming an authority on whatever it is your are focusing on. This can easily be of a technical or scientific nature, or it may be religious or occult, it matters very little, you pursue knowledge with the same sort of vigor. You can make a very fine teacher, or because of a natural inclination toward the spiritual, you may become deeply emerged in religious affairs or even psychic explorations. You tend to operate on a rather different wavelength, and many of your friends may not really know you very well. The positive aspects of the 7 expression are that you can be a true perfectionist in a very positive sense of the word. You are very logical, and usually employ a quite rational approach to most things you do. You can be so rational at times that you almost seem to lack emotion, and when you are faced with an emotional situation, you may have a bit of a problem coping with it. You have excellent capabilities to study and learn really deep and difficult subjects, and to search for hidden fundamentals. At full maturity you are likely to be a very peaceful and poised individual.

If there is an over supply of the number 7 in your makeup, the negative aspects of the number may be apparent. The chief negative of 7 relates to the limited degree of trust that you may have in people. A tendency to be highly introverted can make you a bit on the self-centered side, certainly very much self-contained . Because of this, you are not very adaptable, and you may tend to be overly critical and intolerant. You really like to work alone, at your own pace and in your own way. You neither show or understand emotions very well.

Your Soul Urge number is: 5

A Soul Urge number of 5 means:
The 5 soul urge or motivation would like to follow a life of freedom, excitement, adventure and unexpected happening. The idea of travel and freedom to roam intrigues you. You are very much the adventurer at heart. Not particularly concerned about your future or about getting ahead, you can seem superficial and unmotivated.

In a positive sense, the energies of the number 5 make you very adaptable and versatile. You have a natural resourcefulness and enthusiasm that may mark you as a progressive with a good mind and active imagination. You seem to have a natural inclination to be a pace-setter. You are attracted to the unusual and the fast paced.

You may be overly restless and impatient at times. You may dislike the routine work that you are engaged in, and tend to jump from activity to activity, without ever finishing anything. You may have difficulty with responsibility. You don't want to be tied down to a relationship, and it may be hard to commit to one person.

Your Inner Dream number is: 11

An Inner Dream number of 11 means:
You dream of casting the light of illumination; of being the true idealist. You secretly believe there is more to life than we can know or prove, and you would like to be provider of the 'word' from on high.

(link: http://www.paulsadowski.com/Numbers.asp)

The Hell with Tanita

2007-05-14T21:09:00.000+08:00

Not the product you understand... Just the circumstance...

Of course there is a story behind all this...

One day, M (my gym trainer) and I were doing one of our normal marathon chat/training sessions when he got on the subject of grateful clients. Apparently, M gets very touched when his clients write him long letters or texts of appreciation. As a university professor, I've been a recipient of many which until now I hold oh-so-close to my heart so I could empathize very well. Not that I wrote him a letter. Just my usual crazy texts when he does anything touching.

However, I will make an exception today due to special circumstance.

Would you like to know?

I weighed myself at the Tanita today. Third time since I've signed up with him. And Good Lord! One for the Guiness Book of Impossible Coincidences! I weighed exactly the same in my first, second, and current Tanita readings. You have to understand, Tanita measures body fat, muscle mass, and I don't know what else. Let me assure you, it measures several things. And I all weigh exactly the same for all three readings spanning 5 months. UP TO THE F***ING DECIMAL POINT.

It's unbelievable. We were quite flabbergasted I tell you. The second could've been a fluke. But a third? And exactly THE SAME? How can it be? I've grown bigger. In muscle, I mean. Everybody says so. Bigger shoulders, cuts in my back, and stuff I can't write here. And the Tanita says no change?

UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!...

So he says he's magpapakalasing tonight. He's an achiever. Or maybe overachiever would be more accurate. Best Trainer Awardee. Apparently, he's shattered by my lack of progress. I would laugh if I weren't so puzzled myself.

So here's a letter I thought I wouldn't write to my dear, dear Sensei...

Dearest Pare...(yes, that's how we address each other.. and now I will have to forget about you dear reader and think of my Sensei...)

Dearest Pare....

There's a lot of things I've learned lately with work. And one of them is never to forget to look at the big picture.. the bottomline...

I know the Tanita numbers are just so unfuckingbelievable. I KNOW I've changed and yet the Tanita says not. And because we both are the overachievers we are, we both can't help the frustration and disappointment. If i were just to take it at face value, I would think that the past 5 months have all been a waste of time... But fortunately, am not as stupid as that.

The fucking hell with the Tanita...I didn't sign up for Fitness First for that, you remember? I got into FF because the stress was crushing me. I needed some kind of vent. And P wasn't that. HE ended up adding to my stress with his chauvinistic views.

I transferred to you because you were a stranger. I didn't know I was finding a male version of me. Or am I the female version of you?

You surprised me. I didn't think you had a brain behind your pretty face. I laughed when I learned you were cum laude in UP. I wasn't even cum laude. Just a regular grad.

I guess a lot of girls look at you because of your looks. I've seen it. But you only became gwapo to me when you displayed your know-how of your field and your kind heart. Yep, you're a lot of despicable things but you have a heart of gold.

It's not many people who can bear with me when I'm being spastic. And YOU know how out-of-this-world I can be. You've suffered through so many of my moods. Vented on you from pressure at the office. I would be pleasant to everybody but all my negativity, I poured it all onto you. I've provoked you and riled you. I even got under your skin once, didn't I? Oh yes, I am awful to you...

And yet... you always give me time beyond what you had to give.

Funny. You were the first person I texted when I got holdupped, when I was in the emergency room of FEU, and when I was in tears from fighting with Tae. You were also the person to finally get me to see Dead.

I don't know when I started thinking of you as my friend.

You help me carry the world on my shoulders.... You keep me sane...

Domo Arigatou, Kaonajimi...

I know we can do it. I get a rush of pure adrenaline whenever I carry my 50 kilos in deadlifts and squats.

Two overachievers like us can beat a scale, can't we? Four weeks... Just that...

And then I get my huge teddy bear... ^^

Dead and Two-Timers

2007-04-26T21:38:00.000+08:00

I'm talking about two different people here.

A friend of mine has recently been bugging me about certain exciting prospects available to him. He's never lacked for female attention and announced today that he was going to double up on girlfriends.

Having been through so much, I am not the type to judge. Hence all the voluntary confessionals from friends. They talk, I listen. Sometimes, I can't help myself and give my two cents. A very brief two cents. Which I always end with, "It's up to you. In the end, you will do what you will."

Which is true. People do not ask for advice on what to do. They simply want to hear what course of action they have already premeditated on. Validation, in short. Hence, they will keep asking for advice until they hear the words that they would like to come forth.

Not only do I think giving advice sometimes futile. It is also sometimes unnecessary. I will let my friend make his own mistake. It's the only way we learn, after all. And why keep under shelter during a rain? Get wet. Live life. Make your mistakes. And live life better.

But I did tell him it was bad karma. haha.

And about Dead? I realize, there are some things we cannot help. My heart will be buried with Dead.

Unless I find an older version of you Makoto-San. Dead is the night. And you are eternal sunshine.

Over Now^^

2007-04-26T09:03:00.000+08:00

Over my difficult phase now.. thank God....

And poor M was the one to suffer. Fortunately, he went to Puerto Galera for a vacation. He was supposed to come back on a Saturday but ended up coming back on a Sunday. I was pretty proud of myself up till Saturday. But around Sunday evening, I was antsy and started getting claustrophobic. That's what happens when your unofficial shrink goes on a prolonged vacation. Flashes of Monk when HIS shrink went on vacation kept flitting into my head. ^^ He was a nervous wreck. By the time M came back, I was normal again and was ready to hug him from pure relief. huhuhu.... Security blanket.

Another reason for getting better. R IS BACK FROM OZ! Yes, after waiting all these months. My favorite BB instructor is back. I haven't seen him yet but talking to him on the phone, he is still the sweet, warm, thoughtful soul he was when he left. I am sure he is as yummy as ever. Yes, I'm raving. haha.... M and I have an ongoing debate whether he is bi or not. I am banking on the first. sigh... *sabay kagat labi* hahahaha....

Mothwabit on the Rampage!

2007-04-16T12:22:00.000+08:00

Watch out!

The mothwabit is on the rampage. I already had a fight with Tae a few days back and with the original Wabit today. Sigh... this is one for the Moth Journals and not for here.

Got some updates but still pending the pics. See ya!

Holy Week 2007

2007-04-08T20:44:00.000+08:00

For the most part of the Holy Week (and a few days before that), it seems that all I ever heard was excited chatter about going to Boracay, Palawan, or Puerto Galera. Nary a mention of abstinence, sacrifice, or Christ. Cheesy, I know. And the last thing you would expect from me.

I grew up with the nuns in my all-girls' school in the province. But going to church was never something my dysfunctional family did. Yet in the sweltering hot days of Holy Week, trapped as I was where I had to be, there was nothing else to do but let each Holy day roll past. If I close my eyes, I can see it very clearly. Dusty, deserted subdivision roads awash in yellow wavery heat with undulating voices of old crones permeating all frequencies. The minutes ticked by slowly and every minute of it, I wished I was somewhere else. Excitement was brought on by a religious movie on the few network stations there were at the time, or the passing of brown bodies dripping blood for penance.

But now that I have every convenience and luxury - my Internet and pc, cable, dvds, celfons, and a swimming party, I can't help but feel that something is wrong. And I can't help but think, some suffering IS good for the soul. Holy Week is the time to look inside of oneself and see that the path we have chosen is the path we can live with. It's a time to think, pray, and meditate.

And I hope that by the end of it, you and I have done a little bit of that...

Congratulations to my Sensei!

2007-04-08T01:45:00.000+08:00

He's just been awarded Best Trainer in Fitness First, Fairview. Haha! I remember that day, I was on the treadmill and while I was doing my obligatory five minutes (gads i hate em treadmills), he proudly announces his news. Best Trainer! Yeah! And gasping, I turn to him and say, "So out of your 15 or so clients, you mean that I am one of the lucky people in this entire gym to be under your wing?"

Darn right you are, he agrees. And goes on to say that I'm his luckiEST client. HAHA!

But kidding aside, he is the best trainer in the Universe. He's got the right mix of know-how and empathy. Though how a 24-year old narcissistic, horny, yabang guy like him can muster genuine concern for his clients is amazing.

Again, Congrats, Sensei. And in your own words, RELAX!

Living it up!

2007-04-08T01:27:00.000+08:00

It's only been a month since my last post but already, so many things have been happening. Just a quick review...

I've turned into an online shopping junkie!

Yes, dear reader. I who abhor consumerism. Who own the minimum pairs of shoes, jeans, and anything feminine (oh, and don't forget, nada make up) have been zeroing out my disposable cash with purchases from multiply and ebay. Where before I would have my nose buried in a book or in the latest online game or pumping iron in the gym, nowadays, I am exercising my fingers bidding online. There was that unforgettable Sunday with hazeru wherein I just went a little bit crazy with the bidding wars. And hazeru is no help. She'll egg you on when she's supposed to be telling you you're crazy. Six hours of bidding on ebay philippines while doing high-speed chatting on ym. Oh the glories of technology. Truly connecting us everywhere to everyone. Have pc, will network.^^

It's been so bad in fact that I've...

Started to build my Multiply account! Check out the mothwabit!

And to think I thought I was immune to these things. But the shopping. Oooh... let me cite some sites. Hmmm.. on second thought, give me a few days to come up with my list of top ten online multiply sites. For the meantime, check out Our Awesome Planet for some great online shopping sites on multiply.

Why mothwabit? Ahh... that's a very interesting story for another blog post... hihi...

And lastly, been living it up at the gym!

I promised to post pics of myself once I get some semblance of shape and I have! Hence, some pics coming up. Thanks to M! He's really gone over and beyond the call of duty. Poor guy. He's had to babysit whinerMe, spacecadetMe, and psychoMe.

And the Dream Team is alive alive alive!

Yes, I've been living it up! ^^

My First Failed Exam

2007-02-05T23:30:00.000+08:00

Today, February 5, 2007, will be etched in stone. It is my first ever failed exam. I have never once failed a test. Well, perhaps a few in high school Chemistry. But even my Achilles' heel which is Math, I never failed.

My NCEE was 99+. I got into UP which is the only school my Mom would let me apply to. (The alternative was to plant kamote according to my Mom) I got into all the fields I applied to from NGO to Channel 2 to a University professorship to Game Mastering for an online gaming company. I passed my Licensure exam even if I had only studied the night before and my colleagues had a year's review ahead of me. Etcetera... etcetera... You get the picture. But tonight. I failed my Body Balance audition.

I have to pause and think about this. It is very easy to give in to whining and miss the whole point of failure. I could say I didn't give it my 100%. Or that I don't really have time to teach so I wasn't serious about it. Or that I tried my hand at something that was my weakness in the first place. Or that the feng shui was bad. Or that aliens came and took over my body. haha.

But what is the ESSENCE of my failure? I think... I think it is to overcome that which has failed me. To win with my wits, or my eloquence... these are simple victories because they come easy. But to do something which even the doctor said I wouldn't be able to do... THAT would be a genuine victory.

It's so easy to let go. Just sign up for WOW and forget about the real world. On embark on that novel I had been promising myself to write. Or do something practical and learn Japanese and a coding language. But then that would be giving up, wouldn't it?

So I will have another go at it. And this time, my measure will not be acceptance to the program. Instead, my measure will be understanding and living yoga. Someday being able to raise my leg high up against my forehead. Or curving my spine back against my legs. I start tomorrow...

But for tonight, I had my cigarette already. And maybe just cry a little cry tonight before I go to sleep.

Curly Me

2007-02-04T23:43:00.000+08:00

I never thought I would end up being curly-haired. But here I am. I chopped off my horse's tail when it wasn't coming out like a geisha's tresses and instead went crazy with this new "do". Very few people telling me I look great in it, which is the usual yada yada when you get a new haircut. It's a measure of my self-esteem that I am not bothered by the lack of raves. I like the change so who cares about what other people think. haha.

Nothing much to blog about. Except for that pseudo promotion. Until I see it in my payslip, I ain't believing it. My title is so much nicer now though. Onwards to World Domination! But in retrospect, my social life and everything else life is practically nil. Which is probably why M thought of hooking me up with his other clients. It was the topic in his head for one particular session. Wonder what he ate that day? If he had a cute Jap guy maybe I would've taken the bait. Or some Mensa psycho. Not band roaches though. I'm off those.

How to tell him though that I don't need the matchmaking? Someday I will tell him the tale of Neph, my alterego. As a GM, you get hordes of guys wanting to get to know you. But then, of course, nobody is so stupid enough to think that they like the real you. More likely, they'll be asking for items or the inside scoop even before you've made yourself comfortable in a resto. So I stay away from them like the plague. But okay, to be fair, I've met some nice ones who seem to like ME. But still, I can't go out with them. Enuf said.

Leseee... what have I been doing of late? Went to a Powerbooks warehouse sale. Got all Yoga and Body Sculpting stuff. Ugh, I chose functional. And then I had to go and buy Gaiman's Anansi Boys in National Book Store where there was NO sale. Go figure.

Miel and I laughed ourselves crazy with Ben Stiller's Night at the Museum. It just got funnier and funnier. It was a blast when they showed a shot of the museum from the outside and it was rockin with house music. As a testament to my strangeness, I cried major leagues at that part when Dad watched New Dad jump over puddles with his son. Miel's never having that. I feel unaccountably guilty.

I am going to the Body Balance audition tomorrow. Just to scope things out. M thinks I am not half-ready and I think he's right. A lot of things to work on me still like em darn hamstrings.

Mwah. I am going to sleep now. Just finished my potboilers. Yay! Now I can REALLY start writing in my blog about stuff that's not about me.

Amazing M

2007-01-22T19:27:00.000+08:00

Listening to: The Cure

I have to say this about my trainer M.
He has the longest patience ever.
It's unfuckingbelievable.

Losing the Mojo

2007-01-21T22:34:00.000+08:00

Warning before you proceed reading this particular entry. There is no attempt whatsoever to be profound, literary, or EVEN sensible. This entry is for my own particular venting purpose.

Sigh. I am mad at M. I have trust issues. To explain, I would have to go back to P. P has his faults but I never once felt that I couldn't trust him.

Not so with M. I feel uncomfortable with him. I realize now that it may be an unacknowledged suspicion that I am being laughed at. Not in a funny haha way but in a mean haha way. Boy, did that sound genius.

But hey, this could be just pure unadultered paranoia.

Anyway, I proved today, if you trust somebody enough, you can lift even an elephant. Without it, don't have the willpower to lift a measly pebble.

New Year, New Trainer

2007-01-05T00:03:00.000+08:00

My new trainer, M. And no, I didn't take this picture. ^^

I want more hits for my blog. Hence I am posting M's picture *evil laughter*!!! Eye candy, anyone? ^^

M is my current trainer at Fitness First. You won't believe it but I am SO well-behaved now. I used to be so filthy-mouthed but that's all in the past now. (And when P tries to provoke me, I think of M really hard to keep from retaliating. M symbolizes a fresh new start.)

I chose the guy because he was a stranger. Everybody else knew what a biatch I was with my old trainer P. I love the guy but he brought out the worst in me. Lolo P. haha.

M on the other hand, is very serious about what he's doing. (Forget about that pic for a moment. He's very appropriately dressed when we're training. You can just imagine that picture again when you're all alone... in the shower... haha!) It feels like he's the one paying you and not the other way around the way he's so serious about it. He knows and applies the science of it. (Well, he IS, after all Cum Laude of Human Kinetics from my beloved school Peyups. And yes, I am obviously proud of him.) He's got great strategies and programs. Great tracking too. But more than that, what really calms me is his even temper and disposition. Nary a mood swing nor a menstrual cycle in sight. Yahoo!

(And no, he's not a square. He has very interesting quirks just like anybody. ^^)

So now I hear and obey. Hardly any complaints. I follow follow follow. I know. Can't believe we're talking about me, right. haha! My boss will surely have a heart attack if he were to hear of it.

Of course, that's not to say I haven't had my naughty moments and had him do the exercises just for the heck of watching him do it. What?! It's fun to watch. And I can catch my breath. hehe.

5-Star Day

2006-11-27T21:06:00.000+08:00

Nope, I don't go to 5-star hotels but thank God, I still get 5-star days.

Today was perfect. Yes, the sun was shining fierce enough to crisp and worrying me about global warming but I had a great day nonetheless.

I went to the gym after sleeping in late. It was my second session into the program and M was starting me off lite. Very lite. The important thing, though, was that he was getting the feel of what I was capable of doing and that I was doing everything well. Sometimes I would tell him if the weight I was lifting was too light but that was about it. Not a single dizzy spell. Yeah!

There was a break while we were at the machines and I tried to tell him about the single most important thing I forgot about the conditions I had. Yes, on top of asthmaMVPscoliosis, I had something else. I wasn't sure he would recognize the medical term so I just showed him. Or rather made him feel my ribs. (No, not to cop a feel you pervert.) Enough said. This condition of mine makes me VERY sad.

M is a fellow Peyups grad. The weight lifting and exercises went by faster while we reminisced about good ole UP. A lot of UPians finish masters and dissertations. It's that hard to leave UP. I asked if he did the usual rounds of UP gimmicks and apparently he did. I was glad. Nobody should miss out on those. We covered religion, spirituality, college life, drinking in the Sunken Garden, family life, and relationships. Not bad for a one-hour session. Am I being discriminatory if I say I've missed talking to a fellow UPian? Or maybe it's just because my conversations have been restricted to an 8-year old and VERY obsessed gamers.

Next time, I intend to ask him about Sara's, Mommy's Thai food, the Oblation Run (hey, he says he joined a fraternity, maybe he RAN the Oblation Run... wooooot!) and Mang Jimmy's.

In the afternoon, Miel and I studied for his exams. I am so lucky to have time to review him for the past 2 days. Quantity time IS Quality time.

And all the while I'm reviewing him, I'm thinking, Hell, how did he get SO smart?

Para Sa Yo...

2006-11-25T23:07:00.000+08:00

THIS is the day!

I started my Obagi-like face daily regimen today. No, I can't afford Obagi. I could if I were an heiress or something like the kewl BryanBoy - Planet Earth's Favorite Third World Fag - but unfortunately, I am just your ordinary everyday worker. Man, if only I took bribes. Haha. So anyway, my face is red and stingy and hoping for a miracle in the offing. We'll see. If it works, I am definitely raving about the good doctor in this blog and my review blog with the Angel Uriel.

Also, it is Day 1 of my training with M. Geez, my dvd marathon is wailing its siren call but I will take some time out to describe my session with M.

First of all, I was totally out of shape. What with not eating and sleeping much, I was pretty lame. I mean, I was dizzy just getting to the gym. Yeah, that bad. Anyway, I got there and the instructors were just surprised to see me back. haha. Mk even said I came that day cuz Pl wasn't around. Partly true actually but I was there for my PT. Which surprised them, I think.

The treadmill was f'n easy. A walk in the park. But then he made me lift REAL weights. Oh god. I WANTED to tell him those mean weights and my back don't mix and match but I didn't want to start off on the wrong foot. I was a hair short of collapsing.

The GREAT part is that he was never negative. No telling me I looked awful, fatty in the wrong places, saddle-hipped, weak, a lamer, and all those things I got called before. (And no dear stranger reading my blog, I am NOT fat.. haha) Those were my former trainor's tactics. M appears to be your normal nice guy. He waved off my apologies. Basically, what I want to say is that he didn't make me feel bad. And that's all I want. To be able to try my best and not get shit about it.

So yeah I signed up for 10+1 sessions. If I do get that slightly "bato" look, I am posting my pic.

Oh wait, look at this shirt I am looking for for my father-in-law. Help me please! He's a big big guy and they say they're out of stock.

We love you Pacman! I get teary-eyed whenever I watch about him. Mushy noh?

Lazy Weeks

2006-11-19T22:04:00.000+08:00

I am a person of extremes. Another testament to this is my pendulum swing from gym addict to couch potato. Somebody sent me a forwarded thingie that gave some pretty sage advice. One of them said do not let yourself sleep as much as you would want to. Sounds silly, right? Unless you HAVE, and woken up with a real nasty feeling after.

So yes. I have been living lazy weeks. Eating everything i wanna eat, going on dvd marathons till 4 or 5am every weekend, skipping gym for lying in bed, napping in the afternoons, etc etc... You get the picture. All the while I am crying althroughout Veronica Mars, House MD, and My Girl. Oh those poor cancer patients... Oh that poor abused bad boy Logan Echolls... And that hurting, god-like Ju Kyoon... Come here and we'll make the pain go away. (Note to self: What is this empathy with bad boys in pain? What hey, they're delish!)

So while I am walking around sunk in my own pit of despair, weak body trailing around, I am looking forward to going back to those days when I was buff, vibrating with health, and groaning with muscle pain. Sure I felt great thanks to the exercise high but it's an okay substitute. Friday is when my brand new lifestyle gets in gear thanks to my new trainor M. Why so dependent on a trainor? Because I am a body at rest. And I need a push. An expensive and handsome one. Haha. Seriously, I chose the guy because he's a stranger and he doesn't look the type to nag me screaming out of the gym.

Finally I get to the part why I wrote in the first place. Jy came over a while ago and borrowed one of my Korean soaps. She was very adamant about borrowing a comedy. J has been through a lot of difficulties like being practically an orphan, breaking up with a bf, and some other stuff I don't know. Anyway, so there she was insisting that she only wants to watch comedy. And I thought how alike we were in that aspect. Lately, if I must watch anything, it has got to be a light hearted romance and comedy. That's it. I steer away from sad songs and sad telenovelas. Why? Because ... you know...

Terrible sadness can be overwhelming.

These Days....

2006-10-07T02:06:00.000+08:00

Unbelievable. After two months of blog silence, I am finally able to sit down in front of my blog again. It seems that the older I get, the more the tendency for me to lick my wounds in private. They say that dogs when hurt would look for a safe, dark corner and only emerge once they are better. I never thought of myself as a dog, but yeah, went through some dog days myself. Haha. Oh the puns.

That so-called right-sizing near-killed me though I doubt anybody would guess. HR and J consoled me with their own version of my Buddha book. And I would have to agree. This is something only age, experience, and wisdom would bring. But yes, getting let go of IS a very valuable lesson. And it's something you would appreciate only years after the experience. If you don't get me, then you're not in your thirties. Haha again.

Today I blog due to some very interesting events. Again, it promised to be an ordinary day. (Hmmm... I notice that some very memorable days start out innocently enough while some days we look forward to with great expectation just fall flat like a popped balloon.) But now, I feel like I've been through the wringer.

Well, of course, there is the usual plethora of work. And D made me cry. I couldn't stop. Quite unusual for me. When we lost our house to the lahar, I cried a total of 5 minutes. But not this time. So yes, it was one for the blog. I had to take side trips to the bathroom many times. I stared at my dual monitors teary-eyed. I am telling you, I couldn't stop. What did he do? Did he curse at me? Break my bones? Steal my lunch money? Nothing like that. It was a very simple thing but it pained me because it was so unusual. D has always been decent to me. So why today? J says maybe he was just plain tired or stressed. Maybe. Or maybe he's listened too much to others rather than trusted what he's always known of me.

Friends, don't be afraid of difficult days. They will show you your truest friends. When everybody else doubts or abandons you, your true friends will be there shining as if from a spotlight.

Incidentally enough, twas the Angel Uriel who stopped the flow of tears. Not her intention I assure you which actually helped. We discussed the work process that actually triggered the thing with D and I felt better when I came up with a solution that I felt would work better. As simple as that.

Later I felt well enough to actually come up to D and be honest and blunt. How many people actually do that rather than talk behind somebody's back? The words I expressed would sound cheesy to anybody except that there's such a thing as context. Plus, my manner was very quiet and reasonable because with D, I can only be sincere.

For the life of me though, I can't reconstruct what I said. But whatever it was, it seemed to have got through to him because after, he called me over and helped me with the task.

Maybe tomorrow I will feel different and actually feel better. Human after all. When I walked past him several times to get to H (work-related, anything about work, I execute like a robot) I felt something dying and shrivelling. Maybe he's falling from the pedestal I put him in.

On to more trivial things, I was able to chat with L. J has scolded me for being so forward. What the hell, are we living in the Stone Age? Can't I innocently want to talk to somebody who appears interesting? It's touching though for J to care enough to scold. But anyway, I still say thank you Skype. Muah!

I float away to a gimik. But that's for tomorrow's post. Will get the happy pics. Goodnight you all!

My Little Prince III

2006-07-23T20:39:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, I have to make my obligatory visits to the Planet of Forms. And when I do, I sit behind a huge black umbrella that shelters me from my bare head to my little pink toes.

Then the little flying poison darts of paper and words fall harmlessly on my umbrella. Except for the occasional one that gets through and stings. This is the Planet of Forms. One gets damage for sins real and imagined.

And that is how the Little Prince found me. Hiding under my black umbrella. He smiled his little smile and pulled me to my feet. In the next few days, we were catching poison darts from the air and casting them back with a fluorish. I watched each one disappear far into a milky mist.

In the aftermath of a particularly nasty barrage, there was some time to soak up the afterglow. I turned to him and said with my hand in my heart, "NOW you are real to me."

PACMAN wins!

2006-07-02T21:08:00.000+08:00

This is a boxing day.

It's my first ever boxing lesson. P says I suck but I don't know if it's his usual psychological warfare.

In my assessment, my footwork improved the more we practiced. My jab is confused. My straight punch strong. My uppercut more confused.

Insults for the day: I am more maarte than client kolehiyalas. Maybe boxing is not for me or I'm really just squirmish and feminine.

WTF. Feminine? He's the first person to use that word on me. He must be on something.

In the afternoon, I watch Paquiao win against Larios. Wooohooooo! Go PACMAN!

Antics

2006-07-02T20:32:00.000+08:00

Meet N and P, from left to right below. Both FF Instructors. Sorry for the quality of the pics. SOMEDAY, will get myself a decent cam. After that nano, that is.

N is a Muscle something holder (will get details) and he's been in one prominent commercial for a vitamin, I think. I remember the commercial more than the brand. There's this guy with a naked spectacular bod and his lower parts are wreathed in flame to symbolize power and energy. I was impressed when I learned it was him. He's also the most popular and hardworking trainer in all FF branches. The best thing is, he's a nice guy. No airs at all. He endeared himself to me when he joined a Body Balance Group X.

Next is P. He's a hard taskmaster and he's one of a kind.

Below are some of their antics one FF day.

"Ang macho-macho namin."

"Pa-lick naman jan, hon..."

"Si Maru? Best client ko un! Hassle-free!"

Asaness. Haha. This is MY blog after all. *grins*

And Bitter Sentiments (3-3)

2006-07-01T21:42:00.000+08:00

Alone in the dark. Some sort of relief from having to project everyday cheer. It's just me and Sarah singing her sad songs.

I wish I were somewhere dark drinking something hard with somebody sympathetic.

I wish I were speeding hellishly fast on a motor in a deserted strip of road.

I wish I were in a club and dancing up a frenzy amidst twisting bodies.

I wish I were in Lost with Dead beside me. I would stand up then and look down a precipice.

I wish it were raining down on me.

Then I could shout till I am hoarse. Cry till my eyes are bugging out. My tears would get lost in the rain. And I could scream out my rage and anger till I am all spent and cold.

So much for wishing.

Sweet Moments (2-3)

2006-07-01T21:29:00.000+08:00

A few hours earlier...

Miel left his playmate to sit beside me. I am mildly surprised. He normally just plays PS or watches TV. But this time, he purposely sat beside me.

Bakit ka nag-cry? Ano problem mo? Tell mo saken.

And he says it in such a reasonable and comforting voice I would've laughed if I weren't just way too out of it. He pats me reassuringly with his little hand. Gives me hugs and kisses. (Only to be normally gotten through threats and blackmail. Never voluntarily given.)

He leans over to whisper. Wag ka na mag-cry.

I went through hell having you, Miel. But your happy disposition and smiling countenance is worth every sacrifice.

Sad Days (1-3)

2006-07-01T20:55:00.000+08:00

I went to her hospital today. She had lost her baby and I wanted to be with her as she went back home.

I got off the LRT and took the pedicab to the hospital. The rickety pedicab took me past a squatter area. In my half-aware state, I cringed at the familiar smell of shanties, sun-baked dust, and dirty bodies. Then a walled hospital loomed into sight. Fringed by dilapidated drugstores.

I go inside and the guard is some grade of dimwit. There is a line of folk queued at the Information Desk. A girl straight out of an anime sits with her back against the wall. She appears out of place. None too soon, I am walking inside the ward. The world takes on a surreal motion at this point. It feels like I am walking underwater.

The corridor is dim but it opens up to a medium-sized room full of white-robed bodies. I am engulfed by a million sensations. Desperation, sickness, grime, age... For a second, I feel that I have stumbled into a crazy hall. Did I make a mistake and end up in the psycho ward? But I see the sign. Post abortion ward. And I realize why there are way too many sick women. There are four to a bed. I see her at once. I don't go for embracing shit but I do envelope her in a hug when I see her. She doesn't belong there.

Dearest, I have never been one to wish for wealth. But from that second onward, how I wished for it. Then I could have saved you from an added misery. I only hope that I felt it more than you.

Sometimes, dearest, we go through the most difficult times of our lives. And you've survived through it. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Living testament, that's me.

I love you dearest. I will always be here for you.

St. Paul and the Wicked Dragon

2006-06-26T22:04:00.000+08:00

I feel so sorry for my gym instructor, P. He's an excellent trainor, unfortunately, I fell into his hands.

Yes, you can think St. George and the Dragon.

A few minutes past the alloted time, I come rushing through the stiles breathless. And when we finally do start the lesson, I'm a 'weakling' as he calls me, from lack of sleep or lack of sustenance.

I smile brilliantly at him the first few minutes but my good cheer deteriorates into bratty petulance when the frustration and fatigue sets in. Damn treadmill. Darn machines. Darn stretches. I'm panting worse than the fatties and oldies he trains. Sometimes, I cry from the unfairness of it all. Unfortunately, I have the sinking suspicion he enjoys my watery exhibitions. I am a mountain of stone at work. Even with the NBI harassing me, I am cool. But 30 minutes into the Master of Pain's workout, I am blubbering like a six-year old.

Sometimes, I think it's the other way around.

When I have to wait for hours for him. Now where did Lolo get to? Very embarassing to admit to the other Trainors that you've misplaced your personal instructor.

When he acts like I'm invisible. Hello! I'm right here. I'm too cute to miss. haha. Wait, here's a bucket for those spasms.

When he harangues me about my PATA. They're not THAT planetoidal. Or are they? *scratches head*

When he accuses me of not trying that hard. Wait a minute, he's right!

Sometimes, when I walk past the other trainors, I can feel their judgemental eyes following me. Brat, they must label me. Shouldn't be a wonder. P has threatened, cajoled, persuaded, teased, and raised his voice at me to get me to follow my program. I try MY BEST but I can't help being myself...

Sometimes deaf because I'm walking in Lost. It takes me a full five minutes to remember I'm in the gym...

Sometimes my blood just gets lost in Circulation and I'm dazed, dizzy, and a step from dropping like a stone at his feet...

Sometimes, my body just can't plain respond to the instructions from my brain. I've been a klutz for years. Can't change that in a twinkling...

So in the meantime, P and I end up fighting like the proverbial cats and dogs in the midst of hardworking trainors and clients (who get along in peace and harmony)

I have honestly thought hard and long about changing trainors. I am too fond enough of him that I want to spare him all the agony of training me. I also don't like the thought of him looking at the clock with dread thinking, Egadz, it's time for that crazy woman again.

But today was a good day. Even if I muffed my program more than usual.

This day's training was more intense than usual. I don't know what that goddamn machine was but I had to climb up these steps and reach for the handlebars and hoist myself up and down several times. Egadz! How do I carry myself with just my arms? My brains sends a message to my body.

I can't! I can't! I tell P.

You CAN do it, he argues. And he gets this steely look that brooks no argument. I think of him getting tumbled out of the Top Ten Trainors (oh woe, is it because of me) and decide to try. I tell him so. I wrestle with the damn thing trying to get into proper position. I'm supposed to raise myself with my arms and cross my feet. Cross my feet?! Why? Whatever for? I find out later when he grabs my feet and raises me. After a few minutes, I work out how I can do the raises with his support. I can't raise myself with just my hands but I CAN do it by pushing down somewhat from my feet which he is holding in place. We do this several times until I get slightly better at it. After holding for 6 counts, I fall heavily to the ground as he lets go. He brushes himself off and I am stricken. Eep, dirt from my rubber shoes. And the ground was wet out from the drizzle. I brush his front down with my hands. We go through this ritual several times till I notice a guy seated against the wall who seemed to be enjoying the spectacle. I don't know if he was enjoying but he surely found something funny.

P makes jokes about my butt and my planetoid thighs in his face. He tells me that all the while I was straining, he was praying I wouldn't f***. Eeek! I can be totally green-minded but NOT gross. Ewwwww.... We are laughing all the way to CineFit. I am just too embarassed for words.

Later I have to lie down on one of the seats to avoid fainting. As I down the nasty orange soda he brings me, I take the opportunity to encourage him to drop me from his roster of clients if he wanted. His answer. Di ko iniisip un. Iniisip mo kasi baliw ka. Surprising answer. I thought he would've been Google-ing like hell by this time. Something along the lines of...

How to drop your client while making her think it's her own brilliant idea...

But like I said, the answer surprised. Hmp. Twould take a 10-wheeler truck to get me to admit that I was very touched.

Later, he introduces higher levels of pain to the Stretching exercises. Egadz, I never thought they could get any more painful. I had never actively shouted in pain before today and I must've given the poor Maintenance guy cleaning the mirrors a bad turn.

Looking back, I realize it's a bitter pill to swallow but I can't do it all by myself. I AM lucky that there are people willing to hold me up by my feet while I struggle to raise myself to heights.

P is a hard taskmaster but I think he can slay the Wicked Dragon.

Walking in Lost

2006-06-25T09:59:00.000+08:00

Lost is a place I am familiar with. I used to make forays in that valley with Dead beside me. I miss those days. The doorway to that godforsaken place was a sad song in his mp3 player and invoked with the ritual of flicking a lighter open, the hissing sound accompanying the burning of a cigarette stick. The end glows bright as bright as those days in Lost.

And then Dead disappeared. And I stayed away from Lost. I worked. I read. Talked and laughed on the phone. A charade that soon became real in itself.

But then one night, it was very quiet and deserted and I stumbled on Dead sitting alone. I couldn't help myself. I sat by him.

You're sad. Thin. Dry as a husk. You're sick. Your skin looks like brown paper wrinkled with age.

What do you call people who tell you you're drowning or dying? Friends? Enemies? Lovers? Past lovers?

And he answers. He is sad. Thin. Dry as a husk. Sick. Unhappy. Couldn't push or pull for anything.

With friends, sometimes there are silences. Silences that are brooding and meditating. In one of those silences I searched for something. Some light that would brighten his shadowed spirit. I search my memory for any time in the past wherein he was happy. I search all the familiar nooks and crevices of my memory but I emerge from my foray empty-handed.

And I look at Dead whom I loved so much. Never before at that moment have I felt the hand of God or felt the strands of cosmic destiny intertwined in a perfect intersection. To have an unrequited desire for so long only to realize years after what a blessing it was after all to have it remain such. Unrequited. God does know better. He holds back on what we wish and mayhaps give us better than we ever dreamed of.

The latter is maybe yet to unfold but whatever the outcome, well, it IS an adventure after all.

And even if I say goodbye to Dead, his words echo in Lost.

Thank you for listening to me. I haven't really talked to anyone these days.

Dead will always be Dead.

I will always find my way to Lost.

Someday we will bump into each other again, Dead and I, and walk those paths in Lost.

My Little Prince II

2006-06-25T09:55:00.000+08:00

One day, the Little Prince and I were talking as usual about the stars and the horizon when I exclaimed to him,

"But I don't even know if you are real or a figment of my imagination."

"I am as real as the sound of this stone falling into my ocean," the Little Prince argued.

For six revolutions of the moons, we had been talking in Dreaming. Till finally the day came that he appeared before me heralded by a sleek vehicle of sorts.

In a lordly fashion, we went around his kingdom. The Little Prince pointed out his glass castles.

"Am I real now?" he asked.

Ghosts

2006-06-15T09:20:00.000+08:00

If I were my usual angst-ridden self (ye gods, am i actually on the road to recovery?) my ordinary readers would probably assume that by ghosts i refer to shadowy, painful remembrances. But heave a sigh of relief as I spare you from all that drama. I mean I-see-dead-people ghosts.

Nothing exciting really. I stayed overnight alone at the office for the first time. This huge dark cave of an office. I thought there would be Graveyard people on shift but I was mistaken. Hence I found myself alone at 1am.

I've heard the guys talking about THEM. I neither believe nor disbelieve. All I can tell you is that I heard a girl's voice. Let me sketch a picture for you. It's 2am at the office. I was alone with the hissing sound of fumigation from the whole mall (yes, I was that unlucky). This whole damn area was darker than usual and smoky. The fans were whirring from the far end of the room. F's rock music was a dull whispher. You could see dust motes doing pirouettes in the milky light. I had settled myself in for some few quality hours of work and games when I really heard and saw it. Nothing substantial I assure you. But I heard this girl's voice. I WASN'T expecting it so I know I heard it. It was unintelligible speech and now that I think hard, it appeared to be coming from overhead from the left side of the wall were the servers were. I tried not to look and I tried not to hear. But a shadowy movement crossed my peripheral vision from the left. That's when I stood up and turned up the rock music REALLY loud. And snatched H's Stitch, hugged him real tight, and closed my eyes.

A little side story about Stitch. I've been trying to borrow the little tyke from the Angel Uriel for a year now but she's been very difficult. Claims the poor dirty thing is a squatter about to be reclaimed by his master. Surprise, surpise, after my usual spiel of borrowing Stitch, the Angel Uriel acceded readily. Ha. Synchronicity, see? I needed Stitch to keep the ghosts at bay with his soft dirty paws. hehe.

What WOULD be interesting though is if a ghost actually stood in front of me. Maybe next time.

Typhoon Caloy

2006-05-15T00:16:00.000+08:00

Being the gamers that we were, we weren't even aware of the storm. All I knew was waking up from the relative comfort of the office sofa, I glanced at the big glass office windows to see a scene that could have been taken from a disaster movie. The wind was whipping trees about and the rainwater was lashing on the cement road. Closeted up there in cement and concrete we could just imagine the fury of the storm at 6am in the morning.

Geared up and ready to battle our way home, we hang out at the side of the building waiting for the bus. We laugh at the tragedy of others. The guy who was panting and pedalling hard while his bike remained almost motionless against the push of the wind. The other guy who lost his red slipper. How they laughed as he chased after it. Another guy who seemed to do ballet and pirhouettes to get anyplace in the face of such a strong wind. And all the time, it seemed the metal post would fall on these hapless individuals.

Finally, after some anxious hours, I am home. Safely ensconsed. But then Miel is borrowed to go to a party. I have never been one to force my will on Miel. I always let him decide. Thus, he left with his grandparents to go to a party I was sure he would enjoy.

It was just us 3 girls in our house. I sleep for a deliciously long time then I wake up to a power outage. There is no electricity and no telephone. Imagine this. A dark empty house with no way of communicating with the outside world. To make matters worse, our phones were dead. No ym. No cable. No telephone. No text. No light. No nothing. Egadz! I could hardly breathe.

I force myself to fall asleep again. There was nothing else to do. I realize then that I was a slave to electricity. The reason behind my puffy eyes and stressed out life is electricity. As long as there was electricity, a city was alive alive alive. I could play online for hours, surf for more hours after that, chat with friends through ym, text them through my celfone, watch my favorite Korean telenovelas for days on tv, go through animax and cartoon channels, etc etc.

But with nothing to do for lack of electricity, I had an unexpected day wherein I slept. Like I havent slept for a long time.

Mind and Body

2006-05-08T21:03:00.000+08:00

I love my latest addiction. I am glad my addiction isn't e-parties where friends wanted me to go. Not even games. Okay, well, slightly. My latest addiction is gym. Highly unlikely for me but there it is. Life is a grab bag of surprises.

You have to understand about me. Never one to look into a mirror and study my reflection. Not even in a pool of rainwater. Never one to bring a hand mirror or a comb. Never one to stare at one's reflection in shop windows or tin cans. Thus I could relate so much to Dead who had not a single looking glass in his entire pad. His reason? He hated looking at his reflection.

Hence my focus on things abstract like philosophy and existantialism. A tall, gangly geek who stumbles on her own feet. Who would not look in the mirror.

But Body Balance AND gym has changed that for me. Slowly, I am getting comfortable in my body. Learning to move with it and find the edge of the pose as Rommel says.

Body Balance is a program in Fitness First. It is a combination of Taichi, Pilates, and Yoga. Each pose is beautiful. Painful to achieve and yet beautiful in the extreme. I admire the lines and the form of the poses. Below are pictures of my instructor R, and a fellow Body Balance convert E. Now SHE is good. I am just winging it but getting better at it with each class I attend. Plus F - the Body Balance guru - is a real slavedriver.

Here R stays for a good hour to encourage us and correct our poses.

R and I do the Swan Pose? Not sure about the name. Will have to check with R. I love the tension on the back, buttocks, and legs.

Next, the Dancer's Pose. Isn't it beautiful? I should be able to do this soon. With a bit of perseverance. R paid me the compliment of saying me and E should try out for the Body Balance instructorship. Very off the mark for me but this is E's goal and I know she can make it.

Now, out of the group class. This is my Personal Trainor, P. We were very formal in the beginning but now we are reduced to friendly squabbles when he lets me bitch. It was a very difficult transition for me to start exercising but Paul was very patient. He would ask me for 20 and I would give him one dirty finger. Haha. Out of seventeen students, I have the record of being Number One Pasaway. But not so much lately. I am trying too hard to get from one set to the next. Plus he's sick so I'm being a good girl. Most of the time. But yeah, definitely, I love this guy for helping me.

Before the pics divert the purpose of this entry, the essence of Body Balance is achieving a connection between mind and body. In the semi-darkness of the group class, we move to beautiful music like Sting's Taking the Inside Rail or Texas' Say That You Want Me. The music just lifts me up and transforms.

From Conjure One's Center of the Sun:

I hear violins

When I close my eyes I am at the center of the sun

And I cannot be hurt by anything this wicked world has done

Stumbling

2006-05-08T00:15:00.000+08:00

Do past loves really end? Or do we just bury them in Forgetting? The memories heaped on with everyday mundane tasks and new relationships till they are no longer close to the surface. But then sometimes, we stumble upon a scent, a letter, a song.... a lingering reminder of cherry blossom days and somehow... you just have to sit still and go on a short journey of remembering.

Today I hear Sarah McLachlan's Push. We never listened to it. But Sarah will always be Sarah.

They were warm days like these days. The tatami was coarse and sandy on my back. Smoke in my lungs and curling up to the low ceiling. Listening to Sarah's guitar and heartbreaking voice. Listening together. Unnecessary. Words were sometimes.

Then the smoke catches in your throat and hurts. You give a cough and the memory breaks like glass. But not while the song is playing.

Flashes

2006-05-01T00:16:00.000+08:00

They say before you die, your life flashes before you like a movie trailer on forward. Well, if my life were to flash before me, this is how the last two months would look like.

First off was the promotion. I got promoted to Manager to G**** Management. Only MY company would come up with such title. But there it is. My hard work and borderline stress problems finally culminated in a promotion. (Oh gads, I remember my trip to the ER fresh from the office wherein I was hyperventilating and blubbering over and over, "I'm not sick! I'm just stressed! Stressed, I tell you!" They had to sedate me to shut me up. T_T

Back to the promotion, my delight lasted for about 5 minutes. Because after the 5 minutes of congratulations from my boss S and HR Manager L, they followed it up with news of S's leaving. That floored me. The best boss I've had all these years, leaving. ^%$&%^&%$##!!! Good things never last.

Here is a picture of S and his 3 dashing supervisors. You can see how crazy he is. I was his particular stress reliever and no matter how much I complained about it before, now that he's gone, well, I miss him. I miss the catch ball games, the pretend "secretary" scenarios, the jokes, the insensitive references to SB, and even getting locked up in the boy's bathroom. There was even that unforgettable drinking session during K's birthday where I ended up crying on N's shoulder thanks to his pranks. But as a boss, he was a professional. Most of the time. ^^

Work is still fun even if we were minus one person. Work is camaraderie. Through payday and lean days. Through food trips and electric outages. Through supertyphoons and holidays at work. Here we are sharing what meager food we could come up with. There's a scramble but you can be sure everybody gets a share.

And K is still around of course. Still as eccentric as ever. What's he doing here? You can guess but I don't have ten years. The guy is playing WOW but the light from the window is blinding him. Hence the makeshift shelter from his brown sweater. Underneath that sweater is my favorite guy in all the universe.

Going home on the MRT with my friends is still the best way to end the day. I COULD get a car but hey, miss out on all our antics on the train? No way. Here they are with Tae and Biik at each other's throats as usual. The last time we rode the MRT, there was this guy with a bag 100% identical to mine. And we were shouting, DESTINY! DESTINY! Despite his i-pod protected ears, he was very red when he left the train. Probably thought we were a bunch of half-crazed loons which wouldn't be so far from the truth.

Here are a few firsts. My first coffee jelly. Cuz and I were going out but to make it a threesome (as was usual in the old days), we invited K along. K had a craving for the UCC coffee jelly. He was adamant that we taste it. So we did. It was jelly cubes with icecream on top. The coffee jelly cubes were really strong. I could feel the caffeine shooting up my veins and bloodstream. haha.

My first overnight on a yacht. Scott had a party and some of us ended up staying overnight because of work the following day. Well, technically, a few hours after since that was already in the wee hours of the morning. Didn't get much sleep though. I was sandwiched in between the bulkhead and a friendship. After a couple of visits in Scott's boat, it was really starting to feel like home.

My favorite part about the yacht was the bedroom on the second floor. Imagine a pristine (or maybe not so pristine) white bed that's native and quaint. And open windows all around that gives you the feeling of being embraced by the sea. The white curtains billow in the sea breeze. It is absolute heaven. Specially with somebody special beside you... sigh...

I want to stop right here.... Because it's such a beautiful memory. And there's nothing wrong in staying here for awhile is there?

My Little Prince

2006-03-03T02:47:00.000+08:00

Disclaimer: This is not Exupery's The Little Prince. This is a story of He-Who-Was-Not-Named-Before.

Once there was a Little Prince. And he was prince of all that he surveyed.

He was millions of star galaxies away till the day he dropped from the sky, towed by a flock of migrating birds.

We talked, this strange figure and I. He was strange to me and I was strange to him. Slowly, I pieced together the reality of his world. Slowly, he pieced together the reality of my world.

And yet I always waited to say goodbye.

I waited

And waited

When that day will come I have ceased to expect. Because today... today, I am wiling to concede that maybe the Little Prince who stands before me IS real.

Dear little prince, you are no longer to me just a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. To me you are now unique in all the world. Today, you are my friend and I keep you in my heart.

Chrono Cross Introduction

2006-03-03T02:06:00.000+08:00

What was the start of all this?
When did the cogs of fate begin to turn?

Perhaps it is impossible to grasp that answer now,
From deep within the flow of time...

But, for a certainty, back then,
We loved so many, yet hated so much,
We hurt others and were hurt ourselves...

Yet even then we ran like the wind
Whilst our laughter echoed,
Under cerulean skies...

Sadness...

2006-02-19T20:45:00.000+08:00

"One day," you said to me, "I saw the sunset forty-four times!"
And a little later you added:
"You know--one loves the sunset, when one is so sad . . ."
"Were you so sad, then?" I asked, "on the day of the forty-four sunsets?"
But the little prince made no reply.

MIEL - My Precious

2006-02-19T19:47:00.000+08:00

'This is My Precious. The reason why I'm still hanging around.

For this little guy I've given up fashion and all things material, sworn-off men, and stilled my itchy feet.

If we are where we are, if I've been able to get through all the baby hardships like round-the-clock baby wailing and won't-eat-nothing-darnit, it's because of this little picture I had in my head. The two of us walking happily down a little dirt path.

At four years old, the little guy was already a good companion (and I'm very particular). Carried with me, we used to go around the malls on our errands while we chattered to each other. Sometimes, he would run about the stalls and be a typical hyperactive kid. Somehow, all the sales persons remembered us and would greet us pleasantly though we hardly bought anything. Maybe, they thought whenever we were sighted, there's that funny pair again. Even the taxi drivers would smile at us from the mirrors. There was surely something striking about the two of us to elicit such a response. Perhaps the happy companionship we shared in contrast to a common mall occurence - shrieking kids on the floor and irate moms.

Which reminds me. I got pissed yesterday and actually swore. Pinagalitan ako with, "Mama, bad word yan." Uhm, yeah, twas the can of Del Monte pineapple juice falling on my sandalled foot that did it. Ouch!

Some memories of Miel.

Reading, polygons, and basic science before schooling. I tried that thing Atticus did to Scout in To Kill a Mockingbird (magnificent book). With admirable results. Or maybe Miel is just really, well, smart.

Getting asked how many molecules there are in one glass of air. Darnit.

Firm refusals when I would offer to buy him something, anything.

And if on the rare time he actually wants me to buy something for him, he checks with me first with, "Mama, may money ka ba?"

A little, little hand patting me on the chest one time I couldn't keep from crying.

And in this picture, he is all grown up. (So sad, they grow up SO fast. Which is why I can't up and leave and miss you growing up, little one.) He says the Pig and the Dog are married.

Times things get bad, I just stare hard at Miel and it's okay.

POP FIESTA - UP Fair 2006

2006-02-18T18:29:00.000+08:00

Welcome to UP Fair, 2006. And rather than ramble on with words as I usually do. Let me just show you how it was.

This is our booth. The very reason why we were at the Fair in the first place.

Not much of a booth but the best the GM's can do. Salamat sa Tomokai at pinaskwat nyo kami!

We were starving! First order of the day, EAT! Had a supper of "binalot" - grilled liempo, salted egg, tomatoes, and rice. You can't see it here but we stuffed ourselves at the UP Fair with nachos, isaw, barbecue, corn, and shawarma.

After "Chesca" and Aileen got their tattooes, all of us trooped to the henna tattoo booth one by one. Gunbound fans these tattoo artists hence my P50 tattoo.

My sparkle-tattoed hand and Van's henna-tattoed one. I love this girl. If she were a guy, I'd go for her.

A photo with GB players! And our tattoo artists. ^^

Tuts... his fans were waylaying him for autographs. They were wearing his shirts. A mind-blowing number of em Orcs and UP folks crowded around the stage for their performance. They brought out the police and the Mayor. But he was still humble enough to visit our booth regularly.

Eek! I love Kamikaze. If only for the vocalist.

He climbs walls, gyrates, does backflips, swims on the floor, goes down on the bouncer (much to the latter's discomfiture), takes off his clothes, and sings his heart out.

Valentine's Day, 2006

2006-02-16T17:49:00.000+08:00

My Valentine's day dawned as I expected it. Overcast and moody. Or was it just me? This is THE day I hate working for a corporation. Valentine's Day in a school setting always finds me with bouquets of flowers from my very thoughtful students. Never mind if I've got no guy to give me flowers (would you rather have flowers AND a big headache?).

But like I said, a corporation is different. And even if my dear guy officemates wanted to give us flowers, it was virtually impossible. Everyone was broke. Even the bosses. The Boss could hardly scrape enough for flowers for the wifey.

So there it was, just getting the day over. We go home. The gang and I had planned to celebrate by eating out. Anything as long as we could hang around for a couple of hours but due to, uhm, some difficulties, we decided to go home. Until we saw the MRT crowd that is. Twas that huge, sweaty crowd that discourages you from going home. It forced us to wait it out. There we were walking Glorietta aimlessly. Finally, we pull into Jollibee, somewhere we could afford that WASN'T McDonald's.

And that's when the two amazing things that make my Valentine's happen.

While the gang was walking, James and I were having a battle of wills. He wanted me to borrow from him. I said I wanted him to treat me. Impossible he informed me. He didn't even treat his ex-girlfriends so there was no way that was happening. He jokingly shares how his ex paid for him on their first date because he had P40 in his pocket. I know for a fact that he is a cheapskate. I mean, I can't even get him to pay P10 for me on the bus. (Okay, sometimes, very rarely.)

I say, fine, sasamahan ko na lang kayo. I don't tell him I'm actually full. Edge had scammed for me a slice of chocolate cheesecake plus the Vitro boys gave me a big chocolate frosted donut from Gonuts Donuts. The Biik is broke and I (not exactly broke but commiserating) sit it out with her while the boys order their food. With us were the quiet Fer, the manyak Eric, kikay Jayvee, and of course James. They come back with trays of food.

OHMIGOD. The impossible had happened. Naglibre ang kuripot. It really floors me while at the same time, I feel unaccountably happy. We share the food and we are all laughing, eating, joking, and pretty much having one of the best times in the world. Just in Jollibee with fried lumpia, fries, and drinks.

(insert picture)

And the second miracle? Well, you have to understand Ta3's eating habits. He will never allow anybody touch his food, his eating utensils, and his glass. That day he let me share his palabok (I had a craving). So surprised. I am still reeling from the shock. Hahahaha!!!!! Quite the different guy who evidenced disqust when I was eating, hey, palabok too! and Tuts comes, picks up my fork with a half-eaten bite, and just eats from there. Alang kiyeme.

(insert picture)

I forgot the meaning of Valentine's day. It's not just for lovers. It's a day celebrating the ones we love. And I was in good company.

My Inkblot Test Results

2006-02-16T17:09:00.000+08:00

Moth, your subconscious mind is driven most by Kindness

This means you have a deep desire to be kind and fair to others. You may even be preoccupied with finding kindness in the world around you, far more than you realize on a conscious level.

It is possible that the underlying reason you seek kindness in the world around you, is that you fear cruelty, the opposite of kindness. That could drive you to unconsciously project kindness wherever possible into your world. Regardless of its origin, your steadfast adherence to being kind to others is felt by people you are close to.

You are probably more susceptible than others to being overwhelmed by emotions — both yours and others'. It is possible that your unusually empathic nature is a result of your natural sensitivity to others' pain, and your desire to help them avoid it. For this reason, things might affect you more than they affect your friends and family. To protect yourself from too much emotional intensity, you might want to keep an eye out so you can recognize it when it starts. That will allow you to slow things down until you feel grounded again.

Overall, your strong orientation towards kindness gives you an optimistic nature, which translates into you seeing the best in the people around you. Because you're not one to be overly judgmental, others may seek out your company when they need a friend to talk to. People close to you likely know that you care deeply about the inner lives of others and can listen to what they have to say without imposing your views on them.

Though your unconscious mind is driven most strongly by Kindness, there is much more to who you are at your core.

Take the Tickle Inkblot Personality Test.

War Games and Nail Polish

2006-02-12T21:12:00.000+08:00

I usually have something to say when I blog. Well, this time, I won't even try. I am struck by an impulse to just write write write. (oh no... sounds like Kalihim lihim lihim... arrggg.. hand me the holy water and crucifix!).

Okay. I woke up late today. What a luxury! They say you know you're old when your idea of relaxing is sleeping. I slept late and luxuriated in my pillows and blankets till Miel's activity finally seeped into my brain. I do my toilet and run off to Smart to pay my phone bill. Those unforgiving bastards. hehe.... How DOES my phone bill get that much? Will definitely have to get the company pay for it. After 20 years in Watson's to get Miel's vitamins (darn I really hate waiting)I run outside for transport home. The sun is beating on my head and I'm looking at my watch. I hesitate between the jeepney (7.00) and the taxi (roughly around P60 if the taxi driver is a scammer). I think of all the poor and hungry in the world and climb into the jeepney. But after an eternity... okay... it was 60 seconds... I squash my conscience and get into the taxi. The taxi drivers all heave sighs of relief. They scramble to go one cab up the line. Getting home, our room is occupied by ps2 challengers. Lunch comes around. Hmmmm... what was lunch? I forget. Ahhh... some meat in red sauce and bagoong. I had to ask our cook about it. It looked (and probably sounds) unpalatable. It wasn't half-bad.

Over text, James tells me about his War Games activity. He has told me earlier when we were having our obligatory McDo lunches that I would like his War Game pals. Cool hair and tattooes. Because I display interest (well... doesn't shooting guys sound like fun?!) he tells me to buy my own gun. Hmmmmm... 15k? Maybe... maybe not...

Miel and I play with his Battle B-daman's. He tears em apart and he laughs at me while I try clumsily to put them together. To his credit, though, he sure knows how to give clues and hints how the parts come together without just telling me how to do it. Hmmm... sign of intelligence... = )

Afternoon... we pop a bag of butter popcorn and watch Initial D on the dvd player. Man, racers are so cool. Specially the slalom racers (The little prince had to teach me that).

I KNOW. I WON'T BE CARSICK. I WANT TO DRIVE LIKE THAT. Brave words from somebody who's afraid to learn how to drive. Well, no, give me my own car and I'll learn.

So, robots, War Games, and car racing. Gads, why can't I think of make-up and nail polish or hair rebond?

I almost forget. Distracted the whole day. Half my mind on everything. What happened to the Little Prince? Darn, it's so abnormal to worry SO MUCH about somebody I haven't even met. I mean, I REALLY WORRIED. Okay, enough of the caps lock. Fortunately, he texts that he is all better (well not entirely) but I get to meet his friend FDL. F was relatively quiet. He must have been very busy in his cafe. He seemed nice, though.

And here I am blogging. I may yet to fight my way to the Bodhi tree, or visit a Japanese temple or shrine. Jerry Yan may yet have to lay his eyes on me and become instantly my slave. But for the meantime, I am happy. (Even if I had to walk several blocks and hide out in the bushes to smoke half a cigarette) But cuddling Miel, watching anime and reading my books, and talking to my friends and the Little Prince... well, I'm happy.... just how many people can say that without lying through their teeth?

Canon in D - Killer Guitar Version

2006-02-10T17:09:00.000+08:00

Jealousy is so UNCOOL

2006-02-09T18:09:00.000+08:00

Alam mo ung paggising mo, ala kang alam na magiging napakasama ng araw mo? Pakshet di ko makita ung pantalon ko. Pakshet di ako makasakay ng maayos. Pak u sa mga taong dudurugin ka sa MRT. May gusto sana akong itulak (umapak ka ba naman sa dilaw) pero naisip ko pag normal nako baka maawa ako pag nagkalasug lasug siya sa tren. Pak u haker mamatay ka na sana. Pak u sa magte txt na darating na si Louise. Teka, di ko naman kilala un. Saka ilala ko ba ka txt ko? Tama ba namang mainis sa di ko kilala, di ko pa nakikita, at di ko alam. Pakshet day. Bukas sana normal na ulet ako.

Tangna mo Tuts

2006-02-08T18:16:00.000+08:00

goo
Tangna mo Tuts! Miss na kita. Puro normal dito sa opis. Sino pa ba kasama kong magyo-yosi na kakaiba ang trip? Ngapala, heto ung sinulat mo tungkol dun sa araw na sabaw na yung mga kasama mong chikas at muntik na kayong mahuli ng pulis habang nagda drive kayo papuntang gig ba yun? Heto ninakaw ko galing sa myspace mo...

Pshychedelic unJoyRoyde.

late na din akong nagising at ng may biglang tumawag sa landline namin pagsagot ko susunduin na daw ako't didirecho na kem sa lakad namin .ang publema e mukang ang lalakas na nng tama netong mga kaasma ko.edi pasakay palang ako ng kotse e mejo kabado nako.dahil ayokong mecheck point na naman at makalaboso na naman at mapagmumura ng mga pulis ng libre ng hindi naman ako pumapalag o kung ano man.tamang maharass ng pulis.hasel at sawa nako sa pakiramdam na yun at sa totoo lang ayoko na ulit maranasanang hasel sa buhay ko kahit kelan ,sana!pero d mo rin masasabi ikaw nga nila "wrong time,wrong place'---e nangyayari talaga tong shet nato!hirap naman wag na samahan ang mga high risk na tropa.kasi aminin ko,may thirll din e.pero sick na para sakin e.mejo "kabobohan" na.
naligo ako at satong pagkatapos e nanjan na ang sundo ko,at tulad nga ng inaasahan ko todo sabaw na tong driver namin sa lakas ng tama.
kinailangan namin mag U turn,pero nung nagu turn kme meron kaming muntik mahagip na motorsiklong may dalawang mamang sakay.muntik na talaga sila!e ambobo nila kasi wala silang helmet tas todo hataw pa sila.napikon ang mama,hinabol kme at sinisipa ang sasakyan namin at nagsisigaw ng "papatayin kme neto ah"...."putang ina....magiingat ka ah"..."makapatay ka niyan e"...ang sarap na lang talaga sumigaw ng "hoy king ina ka maghelmet ka kaya!!"...na kesho kukunin daw niya plaka namin at irereport daw niya kme o kung ano man,e gago pala shae.pagdating ng pulis kung sakali sila pa sisistahin dahil wla silang helmet o kahit ano man lang protection sa ulo nila.e sa pagkaalam ko todo batas ngayon yun e.mahigpit bang batas.habang nagsisisgaw sha at patuloy pa rin kme sa andar namin at silan dalawang mama,sumasabay samin,mura ng mura.kme naman e sorry ng sorry at hingi ng hingi ng despensa.todo goodvibes e.panira ng trip pag biglang may nagawawal;a sa tabi niyo e,diba?edi yun.natapos din sha o naubusan ng gas at nawala na langs ha bigla sa likod namin.pinagtawanan namin shadahil galit na galit shae.humingi ako ng pampakalma sa katabi ko at umistedi na habang kinakapa namin ang direction kung san kme papunta dahil ni isa sa amin e walang cgurado kung paano nga ba pupunta sa dapat naming pupuntahan.Tanga kapa kme sa pupuntahan namin at ilang beses din kme muntik mabangga at ilang beses din kme nag u turn(eto marka ng henerashon natin e "U TURN SLOTS")nag beating the red light dahil sabaw na ang driver namin,nag left turn sa mga bawal,at nagright naman sa mga bawal din at napapa "hihihihi" lang talaga sila sa lakas ng matas nila.hanggang sa nakaabot kme sa pupuntahan naming street.pagsdating namin duns a street na yun e mali pa pala dahil tawiran pala yun street na yun at napunta kme sa maling parte ng kalyeng hinahanap namin,edi ikot na naman kme dahil kahit san ka sumingit singit e one way kaya ikot ka ng ikto mula, sa hili naming pinang galingan.hanggang sa naabot na namin ang pupuntahan namin at ng nakapagpark na kme .e hindi pala pwede magpark sa pinagparkan namin at nilabas na naman ang sasakyan at kinailangan ilipat.dko na nakayanan at bumaba nako ng sasakyan para makapgunat unta dahil mejo 2 oras din kme nasa sasakyan nangngapa ng kalsada.nung nakapagpark na sila e swerte nga naman at sa harap pa mismo ang lugar na pupuntahan namin ang nagiisang bakanteng espasyo.ayus talaga!pagtingen ko sa poster ng ganpang dinalaw namin e titolo pala nito ay friday the 13th!napahampas talaga ako ng malakas sa kasama kong katabi kolng at napaturo sa poster.napakapit sha sa ulo niya at napahirit ng "Pota!kaya pala e"....may nakarinig ata sa usapan namin at humirit ng "Gaahg!18 ngayon,bday ng ermats ko ngayon e".
napa... "ahh ganun ba?" nalang kme.hagihik,then gracefull escape.
tara inom na tyo!
d nako sumabay sakanila pauwi.ok na yung minsan lang wild ride.
d2 nako sa bahay.umiinom ng mine shine.

Which Endless are you?

2006-02-06T20:36:00.000+08:00

I wanted to be Death. Who doesn't? She's beautiful and cheerful. But I guess I made a narrow escape being named Despair or Delirium. Yeah, I can settle for him... Funny thing I heard about Dream though. He's the ultimate Emo boy, just with a lot less whining and a real job. Dream is always either out for revenge or recovering from his latest failed romance. Extreme.

Which Member of the Endless Are You?

Canon in D

2006-02-04T23:53:00.000+08:00

The first few notes and strains drift into the air
Like rose petals from an errant breeze
Vomit-green walls dissolve
And I can see far far into the horizon
The world spins around me
Dizzyingly
Haphazardly
Never ending motion
There is so much light it must be a dream…

Little Joe's Sound Page

Three-Legged Stools

2006-02-04T14:16:00.000+08:00

This year finds me in relative happiness.

Gasp.

The shock.

Are we not, SELF, a citizen of perpetual sadness?

My waking consciousness is wreathed in temporal joy. I love Miel, my job, my boss, and two guests in the drama that I call my life - Tae and Biik.

It's a million happy MRT rides taking effect.

James, you never would let me alone with my sadness would you? I step into the train, poised to enter my own private hell but you pull me back with a violent jerk everytime. The bitter taste of yellow sand, undulating dunes, and isolation recedes. If I cry now in the train, it is only because of laughter.

And Angelgirl. You never knew when to quit. Endless texts of love and friendship. A hundred random acts of kindness. A secret bond between kin.

My walls break with a resounding crash that deafens for days. And when the confusion subsides, I discover Constancy and Friendship holding me up by both hands.

They are there when I am happiest.

They are there when I am saddest.

You are right, cuzin. This year might very well be a lesson in Unlearning.